10 Things I Want Everyone to Know
We travel through several different chapters or seasons in our lives. Some are prettier than others. Sometimes we travel through them quickly and sometimes it seems like we are stuck in time. There are several life changes though that do stick and stand the test of time. They are the things that make us cry, they give us wrinkles and grey hair. They are the things that made us who we are today and even though we wouldn’t be as strong as we are for having lived them, there are a few things we want people to know!
Illnesses, disease, depression, divorce, loss of loved one, grief, and separations are all game changers in the game of life. When someone goes through these there is a process our mind and heart go through. We can survive and endure day by day, but in order to grow and thrive, we need our family and friends to:
1. Be supportive. This means love us even when we can’t. This means don’t look the other way when we are at our worst and all you want to do is walk away. This means stay by our side.
2. Hug us. Hugs are good, they are valuable and we can’t do them alone. It is estimated that we need 4 hugs a day just to survive, 8 to maintain and 12 to grow. Remember, we are trying to grow.
3. Be the person to tell us “No”. When you ask us if we are doing OK, we will always say, “Yes”. Be the person to know us well enough to know when we are lying and say, “No you are not!” Call us out and sit with us, hold our hand or talk by phone until we have your undivided attention. Then hug us.
4. Give us space. Just as our life is difficult, so are our boundaries. We need you to be the person to call us out, but at the same time, know our limits. We might be having an especially bad day and need space before we can talk. Processing will help us grow, but then we need a good friend to share it with.
5. Let us cry it out. Holding our chin high, bucking up and rubbing a little dirt in our situation is something we do everyday to put on a happy face, but sometimes, we need to just cry it out plain and simple. We need friends who let us do that, even the ugly cry. Don’t always tell us, “It will be OK”, or “Don’t cry, be happy”. This is not what we need to hear after a long day of playing happy face.
6. When kids are involved, don’t mess with them. Especially important in a situation of divorce or separation of family. The kids had nothing to do with this, so if you are an Aunt, Uncle, cousin, grandparent, don’t cut them out of your life. They are going through enough; they don’t need to start losing cousins from one side of the family too. If you say you are going to take them out and do something fun – DO IT! Including the having fun part. And while you are at it, hug them too! They are growing too (see item #2 above).
7. Be our wingman. Loving us is hard while we transition to a new way of life. We need time to figure things out, heal and move on. A good wingman supports us through this phase of “Who Am I Now?” A good wingman sticks up for us when others talk less than kind about us. And a great wingman picks us up when life throws us another curve ball. A new diagnosis, death of a loved one, divorce differences we weren’t expecting are all things that can be dealt with, but in addition to what we are already dealing with, these require an addition of wingman.
8. Be my person. We all have a person. When we struggle, don’t flee. Stay and be my person, especially if you have always been my person. The image in the mirror reflects back sadness, but the image of you reflects support and love. I’ll need that. And chocolate, that works well too!
9. Laugh with me. When I am ready to stop the ugly cry, I’ll need someone to make me smile and share a laugh. I’ll want that to be you since you’ve gotten this far.
10. The last thing I need you to know is I will do this for you a million times. I’ll never forget the road that led me to what I am struggling with, but I know I will come out of it stronger, smarter and with you. I will be there for you until the end of my time to support you and hug you, to tell you “No” when you are lying, to give you space and cry out the ugly cry. I will the best wingman you and your kids ever had, I will be your person and I will laugh with you when we are ready to grow again.
Sometimes troubles bring out the best in us and we never get to meet that person if we didn’t go through it. Embracing change is a brave thing and no one can do it alone. I hope this helps anyone out there struggling that there is a wingman out there for all of us, growth is possible and when we are ready, we get the honor of paying it forward!
Doreen Crisci is a certified Health and Wellness consultant approved by the American College of Sports Medicine and a certified Yoga Instructor and a psychology student at Bethel University. She is owner and founder of Survive and Thrive and is passionate about helping others through their own emotional or physical pains. Through her own life experiences and education, Doreen has an alternative approach to health and is an expert in helping people move from surviving difficult and painful life situations to thriving in daily life. To learn more or to register for Doreen’s free eBook, “You Are Not Alone! A Journey to Finding Your Inner Hero”, please visit http://www.surviveandthrivewellness.com.
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